Sneaking into a b-school!

“Are you a new student?,” housekeeping asked me as soon as I reached admin block of the hostel I was assigned.
I was carrying 2 trolley bags in both my hands, one laptop bag around one shoulder, one carry bag on the other shoulder, and one last bag was proving murderous as had its string throttling my neck taking my eye marbles out, and this person was asking me was I a student! This is what happens when people go by your faces. I mean what else was I supposed to be-a coolie, a salesman, an Al Qaida terrorist or what!
“Yes, I am a new student,” I answered monotonously.
“Are you here to take a room?” came the next one.
“What the HELL,” I wanted say, but the bag throttling my throat didn’t let voice utter out. What else would one do on this odd Saturday early morning coming directly with luggage to the admin block in hostel, that too when a new session is starting!
“Yes,” was my yet another monotonous response.
“Show me printout of mail of your room allocation,” asked the Human resource head (housekeeping guy) of this hostel in an investigation mode. James Bond 007 was on job.
He wasn’t looking secret agent James Bond 007 from all angles I saw him. James Bond doesn’t have any beard or even a mouse moustache, and this guy had this entire forest grown on his face. Then James Bond doesn’t suffer from myopia or hyperopia, but this guy was sure to miss even the hottest chick in the campus without his high-powered lenses.
“Excuse me Sir! Can I see your room allocation mail proof,” confused secret agent 007 interrupted me in my thought process.
“Oh, I am so sorry! I don’t have the printout,” I replied as no such mail had ever come that we had to bring the printout of our room allocation mail with us.
“What!!! You don’t have the printout,” he shouted surprisingly as if I had just stitched the patient’s abdomen and forgotten the scissors in.
“No,” was my yet another monotonous one. Mercury was rising both in the head inside and the weather outside.
Few moments of pause, and this Barack Obama, the busiest person of the world, kept staring in some remote corner contemplating, God knows what!
“Ok, I allow you into the room, but on one condition: I have generated a google spreadsheet for people who haven’t submitted the mail printout, will send you the link to fill it up, and on your filling up the sheet, would confirm about you guys from the school admin,” he said widening his chest and laying his back on the chair, as he was doing some great favor to me providing asylum to this nomadic refugee.


“Class 2011, Tonight is the Welcome party. Just for Youuuu,” graduating batch representative almost shrieked his lungs out in the campus corridor, one hand going high in the air, other hand on the microphone, putting extra emphasis on Youuuu as if he was throwing us a party himself, being so happy seeing us all on campus.
Birds-pigeons and sparrows- going back homes after their hectic dayouts, scaringly scattered in the sky, wondering at the happiness of this school alum.
“But one thing guys!!” the alum tried creating curiosity, his mouth half-open, eyes sparkling, few moustache hair in the mouth.
“We need to estimate how much liquor to order, so I have sent you all a google spreadsheet. Please fill up the link so that we could know who all are attending the party,” came the sermon to fill yet another google spreadhsheet, while we came back to hostels waiting for evening welcome party or for free beer (to be more precise)

“Class 2011, welcome to the party, DJ vendor promulgated at the party lounge.
“Hey!! Hurray!! Hooo!!” all kinds of voices which would make even owls and bats envious echoed in the air!
Some incomprehensible English songs were being played, and everyone was trying dance hard on this English music to sound neo.
Every time there was some Hindi or Punjabi song on-play, these neophyte girls were going off the floor, waiting way back for this incomprehensible English music to commence. Alum 2010 representative was busy guzzling free beer sitting in some random corner in the lounge, while his pigeons and Sparrows were already home sleeping, notwithstanding extreme happiness of this alum.
“I can’t live without Pink Floyd! Oh my God, they are so rocking!!,” one girl just yelled sprinkling her hands as if she personally knew many of them, so can’t live without their company anymore. Anyways!
“Enrique is way better than Floyd,” another girl, 3/4th bottle of perfume, ½ lipstick, 2/3rd bottle of mascara, 2/3rd of eyeliner, sunglasses on her head (for God knows what at 11 at night), and full bottle of face powder on herself, countered. Even the owls and pigeons sleeping at their houses were sneezing smelling these acute fragrances.
Now, this is the beauty with girls. Notwithstanding they are in a fine-arts school or a business school, when girls talk to each other, they never reach this word called “consensus”. “My viewpoint is better than yours” is their approach, that’s it!
And for guys, then they have to decide whose viewpoint they agree with based on which girl they want to hang out with! And that’s why these ¾th bottle of perfume, ½ lipstick, 2/3rd bottle mascara, 2/3rd of eyeliner, and full bottle of face powder.
“But Enrique is light rock. He is no good. Floyd is hardrock,” said the first one again. How could she agree to what the other girl said..Remember the “consensus” word?
Pissed off, second girl went off the scene, and finding the Floyd girl standing alone, I sneakingly joined her.
“Hi,” I said and before she could understand a bit, I was shaking her hand. Now this is another beauty of an elite b-school. You can sureshot take the hand of any girl in your hand and rest assured you are not gonna get a permanent stamp on your cheek. You know the so-called speed-networking!
“Nice Party, but I miss Floyd here,” here’s how I started conversation and could see the missing sparkle returning in her eyes.
Man, sometimes sneaking into conversations of girls helps! And here I was, the fan of Pink Floyd who didn’t even know whether Pink Floyd is a Mexican dish or some Pizza brand.
“I can’t live without Pink Floyd! Oh my God, they are so rocking!!,” she yelled same dialogue again sprinkling her hands in air in same posture. I had hit damn at the target!
“Even I can’t live without Floyd! The day I don’t listen to them, I feel something missing…as if something is incomplete….are you understanding? I asked her, while I was wondering I could damn understand myself what did I mean!
“Yeah, I mean yes…..I can completely empathize with what you mean….I can’t even sleep without Floyd,” she replied. She was getting into subtleties of Floyd, which implied high-time I change the topic lest she should figure out the real me asking me which damn album of Floyd I like the most!
“What’s your name,” I attempted to change the topic.
“Tuple,” she said extending her right hand again.
What the HELL…Now this is my grudge with parents. What the hell they name their children just to sound unique. Now how was it supposed to be pronounced-Toopl or Toopli or Toople or Tapli or Taple or Tapl…
Apparently, I knew I won’t be able to pronounce it, so I refrained from asking how to pronounce and gratified myself with just taking her hand in my hand.
“From States?,” asked she. Who cares to ask my name!
“No, I mean no….I am…..I am from……I am from Kumaon,” damn why the hell do I come from Kumaon!
She felt nauseas! Hell she shouldn’t puke!
Right hand taken back from my right hand 
“I was in Canada. I stayed there for around 2 years,” I tried do some damage-control!
Right hand back in my right hand 
“So, you are a Canadian citizen,” she excitingly asked
“No,” was my monotonous reply. Jesus, this was my 2nd interview since morning when I had met the secret agent 007, and all I was doing were these monotonous responses.
I saw damn in the dark, the alum representative was busy guzzling his stock of beer. I glanced around. The other girl was busy telling someone else that Enrique is better, at a corner I could see some new admits fighting with the DJ vendor to play some comprehensible music, and somewhere alums were telling new admits they couldn’t take free beer as they hadn’t filled the google spreadsheet!
Right hand taken back from my right hand 
“I am a trained classical kathak dancer,” I bragged.
Bad attempt!
“mmmm…..I play harmonium and table very well,” was yet another one.
Another bad one. She looked disgusted!
“Hey man! I gotta go,” she pretended yawn. “I am so tired, I need take some sleep…Nice meeting you…see you around, she touched my right arm one last time and left. I kept watching her putting my left hand on my right arm where she had touched me, before I came back myself to read this Pink floy in Wikipedia myself!


“Guys! Congratulations on successful completion of your 0-week orientation,” same alum representative promulgated from the dais. And as this was not open-air amphitheatre, sparrows and pigeons were fine wherever they were.
“Wish you good luck and prepare yourself well for the pre-terms and club formations,” wished the alum. I wanted wish him luck too for his job search!


Dear Friends,
As I have known after my interactions with many of you, we have so many colleagues amongst us interested to know more about crocodiles. To pursue our interest in crocodiles, I am hereby attaching a google spreadsheet. Please fill this spreadsheet with your names, species of crocodiles you know about, your face-to-face with crocodiles etc. Please fill this spreadsheet before tomorrow evening so that we could have our first informal session held.
http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dGN2MXpXUXh4ZGFrZUdfdfdfrZUE6MQ
Warm regards,
P K Gire.
Class of 2011

I Received this mail on pre-eve of commencement of pre-terms. I opened the google spreadsheet, filled it and left for dinner.

Hey Girls,
We have so many clubs here in the campus, both professional and social. But there’s no club for girls interested to catch butterflies. All our childhood, we have loved butterflies, why don’t we like-minded girls come together and share our experiences/knowledge/skillset of butterflies. I have come up with this google spreadsheet, please fill this spreadsheet before this Saturday evening, so that we can have our first informal meeting of yet-to-be-formed Butterfly club in the campus.
http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dGN2MXpXUXh4ZGFrZUdfdfdfrZUE6MQ

Cheers,
Pinky




Brothers,
There’s so much happening around in the campus. People are already attending informal sessions for professional clubs, social clubs and sports clubs. People have also taken initiatives to start Crocodile clubs and Butterfly clubs. But in sports, we don’t have any Kites and Marbles club. We have got clubs for all English games viz. golf, cricket, soccer, snooker, but don’t have any club for home-based games. I have attached a google spreadsheet here. Please fill this google spreadsheet and let’s have our informal session to make Kites and Marbles club a formal social club in the campus
http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?formkey=dGN2MXpXUXh4ZGFrZUdfdfdfrZUE6MQ

Wishes,
Rajwinder Singh

Damn, we had crocodile club, butterfly club, Kites and Marbles club, Bathing club, laundry club, Bhojpuri cinema club, 1411 Tigers club in making. Rivalry between who’s better-Tulsidas or Kalidas had led to the making of 2 more poetry clubs: Tulsidas club and Kalidas club.

Then , by now we had got informal meetings done for Capri v/s shorts club, Jeans v/s pajama club, nails cut v/s nails grown club, ghosts exist v/s ghosts-don’t-exist club, kasab from Pakistan v/s kasab not a Pakistani club, lalit modi in v/s lalit modi out club, cow milk v/s buffalo milk club, mango v/s apple club, tang v/s juice club, facebook v/s orkut club, google v/s bing club, blackberry v/s i-phone club, twitter v/s buzz club, and yes, my favorite, Floyd v/s Enrique club.
Needless to say, there were google spreadsheets for all these clubs which like-minded people had to fill in before end of some day……….and as a trained management student, I filled all of these google spreadsheets.

Floyd!! This reminded me of Tuple, whom I hadn’t seen/met for last 2 weeks now.
“Oh Hi! How’ve you been?” I encountered Tuple in one of the club meetings. I was coming out of ‘Bhojpuri Cinema club’ while she was coming from Butterfly club.
“Where are you coming from?” came a cold question. This is the first time she had met me in all these 2 weeks and all she had to ask was where was I coming from, and that too when I was out of this damn Bhojpuri Cinema club.
Jesus! There were myriad clubs in the campus, and all I could choose to go in was this Bhojpuri Cinema club! And then on top of that, I had to encounter Tuple the day I had to attend the informal meet of this Bhojpuri club.
“I…….I am……I am coming……I am coming from…,” God open the ground or split the sky, but do something before I have to utter “Bhojpuri.
“Hey Tuple! Long time,” a tall, handsome guy hugged Tuple as soon as he entered the scene. I was feeling bad on him hugging her, but don’t know why I was so happy at this intervention of God by sending him at the right time, though at the expense of him hugging my Tuple!
“Heyyyyyy!” see how enthusiastically she greeted him! I was already out of conversation, or I should say, I was already made to stand out of their conversation, and was standing there just as a mute spectator while they were busy conversing with each other.
“Where were you all these days? Have no time for friends!!” Tuple sulked to him. Her sulking reminded me of old south Indian movies where actress used to punch hero’s chest with both her hands frequently to show her sulking.
“Hey, you know I went to the city today for shopping stuff,” this guy told in his broad European accent.
“What did you buy?” Tuple quickly asked.
All these days, all she had asked me was where do I belong to and where am I coming from. She never asked me these not-so-significant questions, and here she was going all the way out to ask these t
“I bought two kinds of Papaya, two kinds of ranch sauce, one big Orange, one big apple, one box of proteins, brown wheat bread,” the guy revealed the mystery of creation of universe, in his broad European accent, making double quotes in air with fingers of both hands as he enumerated all the items he bought.
“Yayyyyyyyy!!!” Tuple shouted making fists of both her hands in air.
“How sweet! Two kinds of Papaya!! Oh my God! Yayyyy!!” Tuple was unrestrained now.
This is where smart guys earn those brownie points. Girls like listen to hunky-funky stuff, so tambola, harmonium, kathak don’t mesmerize them enough unlike box of proteins, two kinds of papaya, ranch sauce, and yes one big orange…damn it!! real-life lessons learnt at the b-school!
And as I couldn’t handle their over-the-board conversation, I left the place…Also I didn’t want Tuple to ask me again where was I coming from!


“Fall in love with Data! Data is your only friends. Girls would ditch you, Guys would dump you, your children would kick you, but data would never chuck you,” was how we got introduced to statistics in the class.
“Flirt with data,” Prof winked and kick-started the course.
“Interpretation of quantitative and qualitative data taking a sample out of the entire population to estimate the populace involving the development of null hypothesis assuming that whatever proposed as a cause has no effect on variable being measures is statistics,” Prof prophesied in the classroom, and my first reaction on listening to this definition was a 35 second Yawn.
I looked all around, few guys and girls were busy writing the sermon in their notebooks, few confused ones were formulating the questions to hurl on the Prof, while the rest were yawning with different time durations.
Hell, I was thinking statistically seeing population as different samples!
“Now tell me, what is Statistics,” looked like Prof pointed at me. God, he was asking me only!
All I could do was to drop my head down so that he could go to the next one.
“How many daughters you have,” I wish I could ask.
“I have a question Prof,” came one hand out from the crowd.
“Yes please,” don’t know why these crazy profs get so happy on when someone expressed desire to ask question in their subjects….I mean these profs have read/learnt/eaten/mugged only one subject in their entire lives, then what’s so buzz about knowing the hell of the subject!
“Taking the null hypothesis assuming that cause has no effect on variable, isn’t it a wrong fallacy?? Infact, if we take null hypothesis on x-axis and sample data of populace on y-axis, don’t we get cause is infact changing the variable??” she asked from within her power-8 spectacles.

Another 35 seconds yawn!
Man, this was insane now!
First those incomprehensible English songs in the welcome party, and now these incomprehensible questions in the very first Stats class.
“Brilliant question!” hailed the Prof.
“Cause won’t still change the variable…because sample data of populace can’t be drawn on y-axis, because null hypothesis and x-axis don’t have a functional relation,” one guy from amidst the class tried answer that girl.
I had surrendered by now
Few colleagues were still busy taking notes in their notebooks, few colleagues were preparing their questions (weapons) to hurl on the prof, rest were all yawning at different time durations. I wished I could be one of those sparrows or pigeons whom the alum representative had scared on our welcome day, so that I could go out of this damn class to whirl free in the air with those birds.
“Excellent answer,” hailed the prof.
Now this gets helluva easy for the profs if there are two nerds in the class…One raises the question and other always has the answer ready, and all the Prof has to do is say “brilliant question” and “excellent answer”.
“That’s it for the day, come afresh tomorrow having solved all the problems given, and yes, most important, don’t forget to fill the google spreadsheet I have sent you all on forming an informal Stats club,” winked the prof and nerds nodded positively.
And I came back to the hostel dreading the days ahead in this business school…..and envied those sparrows and pigeons.