Sneaking into a b-school (Part-2)

“Today would walk you through the most important application of business statistics,” stats prof stared at me and announced in the class. As he was gazing at me, I had no choice but to nod, which I did like an ideal minion. Don’t know why this guy keeps staring at me every 5 minutes when there are so many hot chicks in the class!

“Probability!!!” prof excitingly shrieked as if he was revealing name of some newly released movie of Pamela Anderson.

“Probability is not a science, it’s an art….an art of science.” Prof told again gazing at me and got my inaugurating 20 second yawn in return. Gosh, why can’t these yawns wait! Girls were busy jotting down this doctrine of probability being an art of science in their notes. Girl sitting next to me had finished half her newly purchased notebook by the end of this lecture.

“Probability is the most significant tool to figure out which hospital patient to be taken to in emergencies.” And prof came up with some weird figure like this:



“Probability calculates the Area of Survival for the patient. If patient lies somewhere in this red area, patient could survive,” Prof promulgated.
Now this is cool! Patient is dying of severe cardiac arrest and needs emergency support, but rather than taking him to hospital immediately, all you have to do is take a plain paper and pen to draw this kinda weird probability curve to figure out whether it’s worth wasting Petrol of your car to take patient to hospital or let him die peacefully at home only.

I wish I could understand this probability concept to figure out whether should propose Tuple (or Toopli or Toopla or God knows what) to marry me drawing our love curve on X-Y axis 

Girl next to me was busy drawing this figure in her notebook when I saw Tuple sitting in my opposite row, butterfly clip in her hair…not sure to tie her hair or symbolize her membership of butterfly club. Discussion about probability in the class ended with my last 20 seconds yawn!
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“Hey cool! We are in same section!!!,” I euphorically told Tuple when met her outside after Probability class.

She looked me top to bottom as if saying what’s so cool in this.

“Coffee?” I tried carrying the conversation on.

“Oh thanks, but sorry actually!! I gotta go, we planning tonight’s bollywood party!! Why don’t we meet there tonight,” she said and left even before I could say yes or no. Who cares to know my answer!
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“Hiiii,” I somehow made my way out of 20 odd standing people to reach Tuple to say her Hi.

“Oh Hi! What’s your name?” Tuple responded, which was cold enough to moist my eyes. Damn, she doesn’t even know my name. Ok guys, point taken that I don’t know whether to call her Toopla or Toopli or Toopl, but at least I know she is one of these.

“You can call me Anand.”

“Hot name!!” tuple gave me the compliment. I wish I could also say she’s hot.
“Anand, do you drink?” tuple asked me outright.

“I……I……Yes……I mean Yes I do,” I said when simple answer was “I don’t”. Man, I had never ever touched damn beer in my life and here’s I had this kingfisher superstrong in my hand.

“What do you like-beer or wine?” Tuple asked. At least she was talking to me.
“Hahaa…..you kidding me!! Beer….Hahaa…Wine….Hahaa……give me some whisky ya!!” don’t know what made me utter this out….Looked like kingfisher superstrong in my hand was showing its magic.

“Wow!!” Tuple appreciated me for first time in my/her lifetime. “That’s like a man!” she overpraised and put her hand on my wrist.

“Beer..Veer and Rum..Vum are all girly drinks…..not for men….Give us something real yaar…..some neat vodka….some tequila….some hardcore whisky yaar,” I was hitting fours and sixers all over this bollywood party. 15 seconds, her hand was still on my wrist. God, halt this time, stop the wind, stop the directions, stop the damn solar system.

“Last time I had beer when I was some 14-15 years ya….but then I quit it….now only whisky!!” I was being a full-swing braggart now. 30 seconds, her hand is still on my wrist!

“Here you go!!” same guy who had hugged my Tuple the other day brought the full bottle of blended scotch whiskey “White Horse”. I wish I had realized while hitting those fours and sixers that damn whiskey would come in reality right here…inside this lounge….in this bollywood party.

“It’s blended whiskey…..much much better than those single malts….hope you like it,” that guy told taking kingfisher off my hands. Bastard had also removed Tuple’s hand off my wrist.

And before I could think of yet another excuse of not inhaling White Horse, I had this super strong Patiala Peg of White Horse in my hands. And before I could realize, I had gutted in entire glass in one shot.

Tuple looked at me in utmost surprise, her hand back on my wrist again.

Second Patiala Peg!

Third Patiala Peg!

Fourth Patiala Peg! All gutted in one shots.

“Anand…Anand….Anand…..” girls had surrounded me all around……..If it weren’t a

party, I would have doubted my gangrape.

“Bring more……..what will happen with damn only 4 pegs,” I shouted.

Fifth peg!

“hic. Tuple, why is there butterfly in your hair?” I asked.

“Funny! This is not butterfly! This is a clip…butterfly clip to keep my hair tied,” Tuple answered.

“But why is this butterfly flying. hic?” I questioned. Guess White horse had started somersaulting inside my body.

“Flying!!!” Tuple wondered.

“Why are you revolving round and round,” I again questioned.

“Revolving!!” Tuple in utmost surprise.

“Why is sky coming down?? hic”

“Why am I standing on my head?”

“Why are you throwing me from the mountain Toopli?” Gosh I pronounced her Toopli.

10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1….there was a big sound on the ground….and my nose was touching the dance floor.

DJ started playing “I have become Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd in the background….
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“Take the sample and infer about the population,” Stats class gave the sermon. Tuple and me were sitting in the same class, on top of that I had got to know we both are in same study group. God, how would I face her after that knock-down on the floor last night!!

“Anand, give me an example of sample,” Prof hinted at me when I was in my own Alice-the-wonderland cursing White Horse scotch. Why this guy has to prod me every 5 minutes.

“Me…..me…..I……Sir…..Prof……,” say something more than that, I requested me. And every time I was opening my mouth, Prof was shaking his head speedily in optimism that at least this time something useful would come out of my mouth, but all I was uttering out was this Me, me, I, Sir, and Prof!

“Marriage?” immediately came out of my mouth.

“Hell with you”, looked like Prof said in his mouth.

“What!!! Marriage, did you say???” Prof wondered, his upper jaw at the uppermost peak, lower jaw at the lowest trough. If I had the mean of his mouth, I could easily figure out that Standard Deviation of his mouth had increased because his jaws had separated the most!

Everyone in the class stared at me. 30 hands were already up by now to negate me. Tuple (or Toople or Toopla or God knows what) looked at me ad nauseam as if wondering why the hell she put her hand on my wrist for 30 continuous seconds the last night.

“Can you explain it please Mr. Anand,” Prof almost urged me. He also wanted to know the real time application of this sample and population!

“Sir, before we marry a girl, we get to meet her only once or twice in an arranged marriage. So, this is our sample ‘S’. And based on this sample meetings ‘S’, we infer whether she would be a good wife for life or not, which is our population ‘P’ ”, I revealed the thesis for which at least I thought I should be awarded PhD in Statistics.

30 hands were up again, while Tuple (or Toople or Toopla or God knows what) was cursing her fate being in my study group. I wanted ask her who brought me room after my yesterday’s rendezvous with ground at dance floor.
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“Do participate in my class, it contains 30%,” Prof winked and kick-started our Mergers & Acquisitions class.

“So M&A is the crux of business expansion,” Prof had just said and 30 hands were up in the air.

Prof looked all around surprised, bewildered, and confused.

“What the hell!!!” he gestured like saying and allowed one student to ask the question.

“Sir, is M&A the best way of business expansion?” someone somehow framed a question and looked at the academic assistant as if saying “Dude, note down my name. I have already asked one!!” when assistant gave him a damn refuting look!

“M&A is the industry standard adopted for business expansion,” one answered and looked at academic assistant…and on getting the positive silent nod from the assistant, sat back complacently.

“M&A is risky for business expansion,” second one answered and stealthily looked at the assistant. Who cares look at the Professor! Assistant ignored him to look in the other direction. “I will try again,” second one promised to himself.

“M&A demands knowledge of culture, politics, economy of the company we are acquiring,” third one attempted and ditto, looks at the assistant but to no avail!

30 hands are still up. When someone starts speaking, these hands go down, and as soon as he finishes, these hands go up again, until academic assistant gives them a complacent look suggesting their names have been noted down in today’s ledger book, so they can walkout now. And this cycle continues

Finally Prof interrupted the class, and started his lecture on M&A which he had crammed the previous night. Pop M&A XXXI was in motion delivering his sermon!

“Stephanie Mcmohan is hot. But why the hell she married Triple H, when that bastard beats up her brother Shane and father Vince Mcmohan every Thursday night in smack down. Curt Angle is cool and he loves Stephanie Mcmohan, then why the hell she doesn’t give much room to Curt?” What am I thinking man…M&A lecture is on and is that all I have to think!! I was wondering……Focus Anand focus.

“What if I graduate in Dean’s list?” I was back in my dreamland, “Mckinsey!!! BCG!!! Big bungalow, BMW car (No no, I won’t buy BMW…I would buy Pajero…I know it’s not as lavish as BMW, but I like Pajero, I was talking to myself), swimming pool in my bungalow, beautiful wife (ok, she can have this BMW if she wants but I won’t let her touch my Pajero), automatic revolver, hot girlfriend….Girlfriend!!!! My thoughts had come to a halt.

“If I make a girlfriend, who would I go out for movie with??” I thought.

“Mergers & Acquisitions, as they say, reflect the zeal and vigor of aspirations of leaders of the industry. Now Anand would tell me who is a good business leader-one going for M&A or the one without it,” Prof told the class, when I was in my own thoughts.

“I can’t go with my girlfriend for movies over the weekend, so over the weekend I would go with my wife, and during weekdays, can go for late night shows with my girlfriend,” I was busy.

“Anand, tell us who would you consider a better business leader??” Prof repeated, and person sitting next to be elbowed me.

“Tell me Anand,” Prof shouted………..

“Sir, over the weekend with wife and over the weekdays with hot girlfriend for late night movies…this way my wife won’t doubt me,” I uttered out in single breath.What the fuck did I just utter out in middle of the class Man!!

Tuple stared at me from under her butterfly clip and the Prof from under his high powered specs, and entire class was damn numb!

10 seconds of complete silence in class……Prof’s mouth’s standard deviation as equal to the Stats Prof’s mouth’s Standard deviation of yesterday…

“That’s not merger….That’s only acquisitions,” Prof guffawed and then entire class guffawed, then Tuple guffawed.........and then last, poor me guffawed!

Lecture finished and Tuple (or Toopla or Toopli or God knows what) gave me a young-angry-woman look and left for her student village.

I wish I could tell Tuple that I love her more than anyone else has ever loved, is loving, or would ever love anyone!